To Be Thoughtful

Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.”

– Mark Twain

 

The three of us were recently talking about what it really means to be thoughtful.  Is it a quality you either have or don’t have? Is thoughtfulness something you can actually get better at or even develop into a habit?   We chose the word thoughtful in our name because it is a core value that Harold identifies with, but also one could argue that being thoughtful is just another way of practicing our faith and following what Jesus said was the most important commandment, to “love your neighbor as yourself” (Mat 12:31).  Being thoughtful is central to the The Thoughtful Traveler’s mission and so we wanted to spend some time talking about it including some myths and benefits associated with it.

When Susan was a young girl she remembers always doing things for other people.  It made her feel really good about herself. It gave her a happy feeling inside. She recalls going around her neighborhood collecting for various causes, whether for Jerry Lewis and the Muscular Dystrophy Association or the American Cancer Society, there were so many and she just wanted to help. She would get to a neighbor’s door (back when parents let kids go door to door) and they would say “oh jeez what are you collecting for this time Susan?”.  She would also visit her grandmother (Memere) every week right up until she passed away. She loved her so much, and has such fond and cherished memories of their time together.

So as we discussed and reflected on thoughtfulness, Susan started to wonder why she was no longer as thoughtful as she used to be when she was younger.  Did she really just lose it? No, of course not. What happened was what happens to so many. It’s called life. Life threw Susan some significant challenges, and as her routine was forced to change, being thoughtful became something that got put on the backburner.  It was just more difficult to fit “extra” things into a single mom’s busy work/life schedule. She was and is still thoughtful, but her circumstances just made it more difficult to act on her thoughtfulness. Being thoughtful is something you can develop, but like many things it requires awareness and action.  Maybe you too, if you take some time to reflect, would say that you used to be way more thoughtful to others. Did you used to call your family and friends more? Send birthday and anniversary cards regularly? Well you are not alone and it does not mean that you have become unthoughtful! You just need a little nudge and encouragement.

Thoughtfulness manifests itself differently in each of us.  For Harold, thoughtfulness shows itself most when anxiety is minimized.  On the other hand, when faced with anxiety, like going to a birthday party where there might be strangers, even though Harold wants to be known as being a thoughtful person, attending a party is difficult.

On a Sunday morning for example, when there is no school to get ready for, and the atmosphere is relaxed, he may say to his mother, “you look nice today…”, and it truly is something that just comes from the heart, and is a glimpse of the “true” Harold.  Similarly, maybe your true self does not get a chance to present itself when life is too busy, and your work week is crazy.

Thoughtfulness is not something you either have or don’t, but rather it is something that you can develop, practice and improve on.

Unfortunately today, many people also have a preconceived idea that if “thoughtfulness” doesn’t come naturally, if it is something you have to make an extra effort to do, then it somehow actually negates the thoughtfulness behind the act.  Case in point, if on Valentine’s Day someone has to remind you to send flowers to your wife, then somehow it’s not romantic or thoughtful at all, and we carry this stigma (and guilt) that we are just not spontaneously thoughtful. It is untrue and a myth to assume that to be thoughtful one must be spontaneously thoughtful.  This is no different than in other areas of our lives where we feel we need to improve. For example, simply replace thoughtfulness with exercise. Is it still not exercise if you have a personal trainer who helps you develop and improve your fitness? Is it still not “healthy eating” if you plan ahead or use a nutritionist to guide your decisions? Are you any less professional if you have someone help you pick out an appropriate style business suit?  Of course not. Making a birthday or special occasion list, or updating your calendar to remind you to call someone special, are little things that can help you in being the thoughtful person you really are.

It is a myth that thoughtfulness has to be spontaneous.

Lastly, there have actually been studies that say that being thoughtful and kind to others actually has health benefits.  Turns out that being nice to your neighbor can actually help lower your blood pressure and relieve stress.  It makes you feel good, and a host of feel good hormones such as oxytocin and dopamine get released.  So yes, helping a pal or one of your kids edit essays for a grad school application or assignment can actually boost your own well-being!  Who would have thought?

Being thoughtful is actually good for your health!